


By the Grace of God and My Own Two Feet

by ideawall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Human Castiel, Season 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 01:14:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2409698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideawall/pseuds/ideawall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His faith in his Father may be shattered. His Grace may have been stolen and the Winchesters not present.  But Castiel finds himself picking himself back up after the Fall, learning to cope and survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By the Grace of God and My Own Two Feet

Falling hurt.

It hurt more than anything Castiel had experienced or felt in his long existence.

Falling was a physical and spiritual pain, constant and all consuming. A cold fire consuming his entire being.

But it was better than after. After Falling was Fallen. Falling lasted for seconds. Fallen would last for the rest of his existence. For the rest of his mortal life. And a mortal life was nothing compared to the eternity that Castiel has existed for.

A mortal life was all he was left with though.

It was both too long and not nearly long enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He learned.

He learned how to push through the too sharp feeling of pain. To keep going no matter how much it hurt to move, to breath, to just take one small insignificant step.

He learned how hope was so much brighter and warmer in a mortal life.

Then he learned how that warm brightness of hope could be blown out and replaced with stabbing numbness of disappointment, betrayal, and hurt on an emotional level so great that it became a physical pain. And he learned how easily that could happen.

He learned how to work and interact with humans. His interactions with Hunters had not been the norm and while most people paid him no mind, he also learned how much a simple smile could change his own mood.

Then he learned how he could change and lighten the mood of a stranger with a simple smile or just a quietly whispered inquiry if everything was alright.

He learned other, practical skills as well. How to save his wages and prioritize what he spent his money on. How to operate a slushy machine. How to pick out his own clothes - he hadn’t really had the chance before, not when he was Emmanuel or when he was lost in his own insanity.

He learned, but was still hurting. Was still Fallen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He often found himself sitting in the pews of the church, but never there for the actual service. He found solace in the house of his Father, but it hurt too much to be surrounded by people with such devotion and faith. It reminded him of home.

So he only went to the church after the service. After the congregation had left for home and the caretakers had picked up any papers left behind. This church in particular is very much a consecrated holy ground, even without his Grace and his wings in tatters he can feel that much.

He didn’t mean to go the first time. He was just walking around aimlessly, dwelling on the impossible fact that Dean asked him to leave and the aching pit that resulted in Dean’s request. He was stuck in his own thoughts, replaying the memory and wondering what he could have possibly done to cause Dean’s reaction. It was the sound of someone clearing their throat that finally caused Castiel to pull out of his isolation and realize that he was sitting in the front pew, gazing at the glass image of the Christ Child. He left without meeting the eyes of the person who interrupted his thoughts.

Castiel actively avoided the church for the next entire week.

He found himself back at the church with one of the other men from the homeless shelter. The man was quiet but asked Castiel if he wanted to join him after another day without job opportunities. The man said sometimes churches had outreach programs or would pay people to help clean up the surrounding yards. Castiel did not know why he went along, but two hours later he found himself sitting in another pew - in the back this time and not facing the image of the Christ Child.

It didn’t feel quite like home this time.

There were people practicing music for the next Sabbath’s service; the pianist was having difficulty with a particular chord set and they were constantly restarting. It was unlike the perfect Choirs of Heaven.

One of the members practicing had two small children with them. The children entertained themselves by running up and down the aisle, dragging out coloring books and laying on the floor while spreading out their colorful tools - Castiel wasn’t sure what they were called but they came in all colors and painted the pages with wax. The children were loud and chaotic and just so unlike the organized and structured interactions of Heaven.

The church still reminded him of Heaven but it was different this time. It felt more real. These people cared about each other. They were a family of sorts. It felt like what Heaven could have - and should have - been. It had a feeling of home to it.

He came back the next week at the same time and listened to the choir practice again. He did the same the next week and the week after that. Then one of the children came and sat next to him during the practice. She didn’t say anything, just sat there until the music stopped. Then she smiled at him and handed him a book and one of the sticks of colored wax. She asked him to color with her.

And he did.

The following week he brought a small yellow flower with him. He had managed to get a small job that week pulling “weeds” out of the lawn of a local business. The small yellow flowers were considered “weeds” by the business owner so he kept one with him, sure that it wouldn’t be missed and that the little girl would enjoy it more.

The little girl sat silently next to him, the same as the previous week, with her book of pages and box of colored wax sticks in her lap. This time another one of the other children also sat on the pew with them. A little boy with reddish hair and freckles scatter across his nose. Unlike the little girl, who watch the choir and the colored glass windows, the little boy stared wide eyed at Castiel until the little girl slid to the ground, opened her book on the seat, dumped the wax sticks all around, and once again asked if they would color with her.

The three of them proceeded to color the image on the page - Angels, it was a picture of Angels holding flowers and small animals - until the music stopped and the little boy ran up to the front. Castiel helped the little girl put the wax sticks - crayons Mister! They’re crayons - into the box. It was polite to put things back in their containers according to Dean and Sam. Once cleaned up, Castiel handed the small yellow flower to the little girl and thanked her. She smiled and ran up to the front with her book, box of crayons, and flower in hand.

Castiel’s smile and content mood started to slide away as he heard the rain outside. The music had been covering it up but now it could be heard clearly. He dreaded the walk back to the shelter in the rain. It would be a cold and wet and long walk back.

It was as he was gathering his will to get up and face the cold that a voice stopped him. It was the man who sang in the choir.

“Hey man, uh look would you like to join us for dinner? It’s the least I can do to thank you for keeping my kid occupied the last few weeks.” The man looked down and the little girl was smiling up at Castiel from next to the man.

Castiel agreed and both the little girl and her father smiled back at him and ushered him further into the church, through a side door that the choir often left through after their practice, and down the hallway that opened up into a kitchen and dining area. The counters were lined with dishes of home cooked food and the people already in the area were laughing and happy.

An older woman handed Castiel a plate and told him to eat. She also called him George but someone pulled her off to a seat when Castiel tried to explain that wasn’t his name. Although, he supposed it didn’t truly matter since he had given the man and children a fake name as well but Dean and Sam had stressed the importance of keeping his covers in order and keeping them straight.

The food was delicious. It was even better than the burrito Dean had made for him. Castiel had a suspicion that the happy atmosphere did not hurt either. 

People spoke with him, asked him his thoughts, and then once they started leaving and making their way home they would tell him “see you next week Steve!”. They wanted him to come back.

Castiel was happy the following week- happier than he had been in a very long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel went back the next week and kept an eye on the children while their parents practiced. Afterwards there was food again. It was just a good the second time as well. The people still talked to him, still welcomed him. They bid him goodbye and left with the same “See you next week!”.

The happy, warm feeling he felt last week was there again.

And the next week.

And the next.

The week after that was different though. He was working a small day job of cleaning up the litter near one of the government buildings. They would pay twenty dollars a day to anyone from the shelter for this work. It wasn’t much, but it helped. But it was as his shift was ending that he ran into one of the members of the church choir, Ben.

“You still looking for a steady job? Cuz my sister, she works down at the gas station - Quick and Stop - and their hiring. I could put in a good word for you. She needs a good worker now that all the kids are heading back to school and cutting back on hours.”

The next day Ben was introducing Castiel to his sister, Nora, and she was handing Castiel a nametag and employee workbook before Ben even left.

When Castiel went to sleep after his first full week of employment - complete with a cake that night at dinner from the members of the Church Choir that said “Congrats on the New Job Steve!” - he couldn’t help but feel a small glimmer of pride.

He was still Fallen.

He still hurt from the Fall.

But his Father’s House had lead him to new friends and new opportunities.

And most of all, Castiel had successfully started putting together and building a life of his own.


End file.
